My husband and I have discussed this in great detail. We knew that in order for me to tell you our story I'd have to include his story, so that the full picture could be seen. We are sharing this, because we feel God has prompted us to do so. Our story may help one being and if so, we have honored God. When my husband was a child he was molested by a much older cousin. His cousin made absolutely sure that my husband would be too afraid to ever tell anyone. We met in the very beginning of 1997. After just knowing me for a month he felt the strongest desire to share his traumatic childhood with me. I did not know what to say or how to help him process this, because I was already in my own darkness. But, I did know to tell him that God loves him and that I'd always be here as a friend even if we never left the friendship stage.
We married in 1999 and instantly I noticed something that shook me. My husband was not that big on sex. In fact, he would go through these long stages of impotency due to being molested. I knew this, but my silly mind would make me think otherwise. I thought if we were not making love he did not love me. That was a piece of my darkness. So, because I thought he did not want me I accepted the attention of another. This broke my husband's heart, but he suffered in silence. I did not ever have any sexual relationships with this man, but I did get emotionally involved (I met them online). This too me is so much worse. I would talk on the phone with him a LOT.
In 2004 my husband entered into his own emotional relationship with a co-worker. When I found out I was devastated. I did not hide my grief and I expressed it to whomever would listen. All the while no one knew of my evil doing. Hurricane Katrina moved us in 2005 and with that I vowed I would get past this and would never disrespect my marriage again. Because of the hurricane we were sent to therapy, which was so very needed. In those sessions I learned of my husband's pain from my evil doing. I learned that he felt un-loved by me. I tried to make him know that I loved him tremendously for the next three years after those sessions, but I would throw his evil doings back in his face and would act as if mine never happened. This tore him up and down, but he loved me none-the-less.
In 2007 something started to awaken within me (God's holy presence), but I wasn't sure what it was or what to do with it. My husband was struggling with God. He was mad at God, because he felt like God allowed him to be molested. He felt like God hated, because he had given him a mom who did not wish to raise him and a dad whom was an addict. When my grandma passed in 2008 a window within me burst open and God made his presence well-known. He lead me to Joel Osteen and Joyce Meyer. Through them he lead me to Him. The topics they discussed made me hunger for God and the Bible. It made me thirst for forgiveness from both God and my husband. But, once again my way of thinking was still jumbled. I thought that because I was finding God I had to force it on my husband and I had to change him spiritually. Then I discovered that it was not my place and I had to let God do his own thing in each of us separately. Once I did that and focused on my journey big changes came. As those changes came I became someone new and different and my husband and I both wanted to know her. This lead my husband to see God differently and he then hungered to be held in the arms of The Father.
January 8th of this year was our 14th anniversary of when we officially became a couple. We spent that day speaking of the past with love. We both had come to realize we were no longer those lost children of the past. We saw just how good God is, because through it all we both refused to walk away from the other. From the beginning we both knew God had placed us into one another's lives, but we didn't truly know why (if that makes any sense). Today, through all of the hurt and pain we found God and we found one another once again. I learned that sex did not equal love and he learned that God loved him from the very beginning. We both learned that forgiveness can be such a POWERFUL act and it has changed us inside out. We both learned that we could not determine how the other will live. We have turned each other over to God and trust that he will lead us down His path. April of this year will mark our 12 year wedding anniversary and in all honesty I think our love NOW is far greater than our love THEN. Because, we have invited God into our marriage and lives. We don't go on emotions. We talk things out and in doing so creates some of the most beautiful and intimate moments. I write all of this to say...Love Can Endure Anything...Anything!
--My little hand that has taken much abuse
