--My little hand that has taken much abuse
--A hubby who loves me and my imperfections
--A Heavenly Father who takes the time to answer my questions (mostly through others)
--Supportive and kind beings who believe in paying it forward
--Being able to work from home in my ever so comfy pajamas (=
--Talks with my baby sister about the bible (she brings me joy)
--I Love You's from my 2 baby nieces
--Confirmation that my life is GOOD
We married in 1999 and instantly I noticed something that shook me. My husband was not that big on sex. In fact, he would go through these long stages of impotency due to being molested. I knew this, but my silly mind would make me think otherwise. I thought if we were not making love he did not love me. That was a piece of my darkness. So, because I thought he did not want me I accepted the attention of another. This broke my husband's heart, but he suffered in silence. I did not ever have any sexual relationships with this man, but I did get emotionally involved (I met them online). This too me is so much worse. I would talk on the phone with him a LOT.
In 2004 my husband entered into his own emotional relationship with a co-worker. When I found out I was devastated. I did not hide my grief and I expressed it to whomever would listen. All the while no one knew of my evil doing. Hurricane Katrina moved us in 2005 and with that I vowed I would get past this and would never disrespect my marriage again. Because of the hurricane we were sent to therapy, which was so very needed. In those sessions I learned of my husband's pain from my evil doing. I learned that he felt un-loved by me. I tried to make him know that I loved him tremendously for the next three years after those sessions, but I would throw his evil doings back in his face and would act as if mine never happened. This tore him up and down, but he loved me none-the-less.
In 2007 something started to awaken within me (God's holy presence), but I wasn't sure what it was or what to do with it. My husband was struggling with God. He was mad at God, because he felt like God allowed him to be molested. He felt like God hated, because he had given him a mom who did not wish to raise him and a dad whom was an addict. When my grandma passed in 2008 a window within me burst open and God made his presence well-known. He lead me to Joel Osteen and Joyce Meyer. Through them he lead me to Him. The topics they discussed made me hunger for God and the Bible. It made me thirst for forgiveness from both God and my husband. But, once again my way of thinking was still jumbled. I thought that because I was finding God I had to force it on my husband and I had to change him spiritually. Then I discovered that it was not my place and I had to let God do his own thing in each of us separately. Once I did that and focused on my journey big changes came. As those changes came I became someone new and different and my husband and I both wanted to know her. This lead my husband to see God differently and he then hungered to be held in the arms of The Father.
January 8th of this year was our 14th anniversary of when we officially became a couple. We spent that day speaking of the past with love. We both had come to realize we were no longer those lost children of the past. We saw just how good God is, because through it all we both refused to walk away from the other. From the beginning we both knew God had placed us into one another's lives, but we didn't truly know why (if that makes any sense). Today, through all of the hurt and pain we found God and we found one another once again. I learned that sex did not equal love and he learned that God loved him from the very beginning. We both learned that forgiveness can be such a POWERFUL act and it has changed us inside out. We both learned that we could not determine how the other will live. We have turned each other over to God and trust that he will lead us down His path. April of this year will mark our 12 year wedding anniversary and in all honesty I think our love NOW is far greater than our love THEN. Because, we have invited God into our marriage and lives. We don't go on emotions. We talk things out and in doing so creates some of the most beautiful and intimate moments. I write all of this to say...Love Can Endure Anything...Anything!
*I believed I had the power and the right to change others
*I believed in my own negative self talk
*I believed I had the power to fix any problem that came my way
I started reading the bible in October 2008 and imagine my surprise and relief when I found out the truth! It was liberating to find out I had absolutely no power what so ever to change a living soul. That freed me tremendously! When I found out that God loved me in-spite of my sins. that he loves me just as I am. And that I was created in his image! That forced me to see myself in an entirely new light! I wanted to know more about this beautiful babe who stood before me! Getting to know myself has been the greatest gift ever. Learning that things happen and I would not be able to always fix or that the answers was also very freeing. I place complete trust in God knowing that if I do what I can he'll do what I can not.
I've also learned something neat about peace and patience, but that's for another post. I said all this to say...You are loved. No matter what you may see in the mirror right now. You are beautiful. You were created by the Master and he makes NO mistakes. Allow him to help you see yourself through His eyes. Allow him to take control and free you from fear and stress. I promise it will be the greatest gift ever!
*Note* You do not have to read the bible for this to happen, but you will have to invite him into your life and TRUST him.
What did I learn?
*I was a very impatient person. I also learned that I didn't have to pray to be patient, because God had already placed it within me. I just needed to choose to be patient!
*I can NOT change anyone, but myself. This was a hard one, because there were a few people I wanted to be different. Once this sunk deep within me I felt freed! I decided to work on me and in doing so the others started to change as well!
*I don't trust human beings enough. I try very hard to be optimistic, but when you've been let down a BUNCH it truly get's hard. I'm not quit there yet, but I'm working it out.
*Not all people are as kind, considerate, think or feel as I do. Everyone is different and I need to approach every situation with that at the forefront of my mind.
I'm learning and growing. I rather love it, because I am now brutally honest with myself these days. My character is growing and my body is shrinking (weight-loss) and I'm SOO loving the transformation!
It has been awhile since I have posted consistently and I have truly missed it! So much has happened. Some big and some little. A new year has rolled in and I have to admit after going through 2008 through 2010 I feel SUPER psyched about 2011. I sprang the one arm I have, so that was pretty devastating to my psyche. It's much better now and the way in which it healed is a story all by itself.
I don't usually make resolutions, but my heart chose otherwise this year for me. It decided that my resolution for 2011 would be to become more like Jesus. I wish to speak to others with sincere love. I will inspire and encourage those in need. I will use my God given talents to help others and not seek monetary gain(which I never do anyway). I'm seeking to live a simple, yet joy-filled life. I will only seek the approval of God.
My Declarations For 2011:
* I am a child of God, so I will live and love as such
* My healthiest life begins this year
* I will reach my goal weight this year (slow and steady)
* Peace and Joy will surround me daily
* I am one day closer to becoming the ME God wants me to be
I pray you will find great joy, health and success in this new year. Every day is a NEW beginning, so face each day in trust and with bravery. Knowing each step is guided by the Most High God!
1. TRUST God Completely
2. Continue on my weight loss journey (45 lbs to go!)
3. Be the BEST life/spiritual coach I can be for my clients
4. Continue to spread God's Love through our Family Mission
5. LIVE FULLY AWAKE in every moment
6. Continue to be The Best Me God wants me to be!
Happy New Year and God Bless!